Losing a Spouse Sucks

Suck of Reality #9 

The Loss of a Spouse

I’ll provide warning right out of the gate that this writing will not be enjoyable to read.  This may trigger thoughts and emotions that you’d rather not deal with.  However, what I’ll share here is reality.  There are some things about reality that really suck.  Losing a spouse is one of those things.  I'd like to think it won't happen, it never happens, my wife and I, along with those I know and love will never have to face this reality.  However, it's just not true.  Maybe because as I age I see more, or know more people, but I've witnessed this on multiple occasions just in the last few months.  Face reality for a few moments.  You may not have to deal with this for many years (or never), but someone will.  If not you, it will be your spouse.  If you're convinced that you'll both live forever, die together, or be raptured, someone you know will face this reality; perhaps you can help them... 

Do you remember the song from Snow White, “Some day my prince will come…”?  We often fantasize about being swept away by romance and love, Prince Charming, a beautiful Princess.  Why don’t we ever consider what could happen if our prince or princess goes down in the proverbial airplane?  Granted, it’s not a very pleasant thought, and I guess part of the point of fantasy is to escape the grim of reality, but let’s face it, we’re not immortal; even Prince Charming will die.  And while men are not immune from losing their spouse, probability favors wives’ survival at a rate of about 4 to 1.  In addition, although a generalization, wives, more so than husbands, tend to be financially unprepared for the loss of their spouse.  Most of us don’t like to talk about death, and we also don’t like to talk about money, which makes the circumstance significantly worse.  Did you know that being widowed ranks highest on the Stress Related Disease Scale?  Can you guess the second?  Divorce.  (Source: Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory)  The loss of a spouse is a major issue that most of us will face one way or another.  It’s neither politics nor religion, let’s discuss it. 

What would you do?

Your phone rings in the middle of the night.  The caller on the other end has the burden of letting you know that your spouse is gone.  How would you react?  What would you do?  Think about it…  Where would you begin?  Who would you call?  Is the mere notion overwhelming?  Here begins the tsunami of questions and emotions…

            The next few weeks – a blur of sleepless nights, emotional days, decisions you’re not sure how to make, and people all around trying to “help” but having no idea how to do so.  How will this be communicated to your children?  What affect will this have on their lives?  What about the minutiae that now seems so unimportant – is the cable bill due?  Does the lawn need to be mowed?  What will I do with all these deviled eggs people keep bringing (a story behind that one!)?  Funeral arrangements will be made, people will cross the country to vow their love and support, then, shortly thereafter, the procession will leave town and the world will be silent.  Everything will be different.  The life you were accustomed to will be forever different.  One ending, another beginning…

  

The Widow’s Roadmap

When the news becomes official that you’re about to face the world without your spouse at your side, having specific action items at your finger tips will provide a significant reduction of stress.  Merely knowing where to begin and who to call, a few simple starting steps will help keep you from becoming derailed.  There's a ton more to share, but here are four initial thoughts...

1. Locate Your Life Preservers

In most cases, by the end of that dreaded phone call and for days, weeks, maybe months afterward, you’re in a poor position to make significant decisions.  Your first flotation device should be one or two close family members or friends.  Invite them to stay with you, or at least be physically around for the next week or two.  They ought to be emotionally stable individuals with a take-charge mindset.  Their responsibility will be that of your gatekeeper and task implementer.  They will answer all phone calls, doorbells, questions, and inquiries on your behalf.  They will help with funeral arrangements, ensure your bills are being paid on time, and will listen to your thoughts and fears.  In this early phase, you’ll review the wishes of your loved one for funeral and burial arrangements, and find a quiet time and place to jot down your thoughts for an obituary. 

As the dust begins to settle and the procession begins leaving town, you’ll want to begin contacting your Professional Life Preservers.  This may include the attorney who drafted your wills, trusts, and estate plan, your tax professional, or your financial advisor.  Hopefully, among these is at least one with whom you have a high level of trust that can guide you through the upcoming decisions that will need to be made.  And perhaps more importantly, he or she ought to be able to help you prioritize which decisions do not yet need to be made. 

Who are your personal life preservers?  Do you have professional life preservers?  These aren’t easy to come by; these people are of a unique skill set in the time of crisis.   

2. Manage through the Tsunami

When I first mentioned the dreaded phone call, did you consider how that would make you feel?  Was it overwhelming?  One surviving spouse we worked with described the number of questions and the amount of unknown as a tidal wave followed by a flood.  She had no idea where to begin, what to ask, what to do, who to turn to, and felt as though she were drowning.  The only thought she could come up with was, “losing your spouse really sucks!”  You get the feeling she’s right about that one?  She desperately needed a flotation device. 

In taking control of all the questions and tasks that seem to be at hand, we’ve found that a basic list and organization can go a long way.  All of the questions and tasks can be divided into one of three categories.  Immediate – Soon – Later.  Most things can fall into the “Later” category, especially any major or irreversible decision.  Unbalanced emotional states are not good ones for decision making.  When possible, decisions should be postponed until they need to be made. 

3. Acknowledge the Silence in the Middle of the Ocean

            Coping with your loss really begins once the funeral procession leaves town.  Your new life and identity will begin to come forth, and it’s time for you to take some control over what that will be.  Again, sorting through your questions, fears, and the unknown will help provide guidance.  Write out all of your fears and concerns.  Will you be lonely?  Will people view you differently without your spouse?  Will you be able to handle the decisions on your own?  What about your kids – will they be okay?  Who will help sort through your legal and financial decisions? 

            Similar to before, it’s now time to sort the list.  Determine which items can be controlled, which need to be worked through, and which may not be in your control, but should be monitored to ensure you maintain proper perspective.  Identify the threats and obstacles you expect to face – deal with the biggest threats first.  Will you be short on cash flow with the loss of income?  Not sure how next months bills will be paid, or in many cases – not even sure what bills are due?  Overcoming these fears may again be helped with professional advisors.  Coming from a financial background, I tend to help remove financial questions, obstacles and fears.  However, for most who have lost a spouse, the natural fear and questions revolve around whether you will be alone for the rest of your life.  There is no shame in speaking with professional counselors and therapists about these challenges.  In fact, often the point of a professional is that they’ve already been down your path with others.  They know what lies ahead.  They know the roadblocks, obstacles, and hidden waterfalls.  Why not gain from their experience?    

4. Chart Your New Course

            

As was mentioned before, every end constitutes a new beginning.  Losing a spouse will change your life.  It will alter your trajectory.  It will affect who you are, how you act, how you view the world and relationships.  It’s an opportunity to repaint the cover on the puzzle box.  Reassemble the pieces, and determine your new purpose.  Ask yourself several questions – Values: What’s important to you about life?  Vision: Looking back, seven years from now, what will that picture look like?  Twenty years from now?  Goals: What will have to happen for you to achieve these visions? 

Now, assemble your trusted crew, raise your anchor, and venture from the harbor…

An Ounce of Prevention

            Some may be curious if there are steps that ought to be taken to better prepare for the loss of a spouse.  Of course there are!  There is much preparation that ought to be done from a more technical and legal perspective – know where income will come from, have an estate plan, have life insurance to provide immediate cash, have a buy-sell agreement in place for your business, and many many more!  I’ll share that the most painful losses seem to occur when a young spouse dies unexpectedly.  Please, oh please have some life insurance in place.  Term insurance is inexpensive; make sure you have enough that your spouse will be okay.  Having to stress about financial obligations is dreadful, unfair, and avoidable. 

Lastly, an entire book could be written on the importance of communicating your financial situation with your spouse (and many fine ones have).  Most relationships have a division of labor such that one person handles the finances.  If that person is gone tomorrow, the survivor is in a bind.  Who do we owe money to?  What sources of income will continue?  I’m pretty sure we have life insurance, but I have no idea who it’s with, how much it’s for, how to get it, or what to do with it once I have it.  What about the business?  Often the spouse that made the financial decisions also maintained the relationship with the advisors.  What if they’re not a good fit for the personality of the survivor?  Communicate with your spouse.  Ensure there is a roadmap in place if one of you receives that late night call.  Know what you’ll do next.  Know who you can trust to guide you through.  You may think this could never happen to you, and statistics confirm that it likely won’t.  However, if there’s something I’ve learned in life, statistics lie.  Probability is great on a large scale with countless iterations where only the average matters.  But if the individual matters, probability is out the window when you’re the one affected. 

One of the highest compliments I’ve ever received came from a client for whom I’ve really only done a minor amount of planning.  When I asked him why he continued to work with me, he responded that I was in his life because if anything ever happened to him, he knew that I had the wisdom, resources, and compassion to care for his family.  His family was given instruction that if anything happens to him, there’s a red file in his drawer.  Inside the file are a few instructions and my contact information.  Truth be told, it kinda freaked me out when he shared this.  It’s a pretty big responsibility.  But when I get that call, I’ll show up and manage through the crisis.  Evaluating what actions need to be taken, what resources are required, and ensuring the family remains connected.  There could be no greater use of my God given gifts.  There could be no greater honor than to serve a family in this capacity.  I don’t share this to imply my greatness; I’m sure there are others far more qualified for this role than I am.  However, you ought to have someone in your red file with the right skill-set, demeanor, and whom you implicitly trust. 

Don’t lay awake another night unsure about what would happen to your family if you don’t come home tomorrow.  Don’t lie awake wondering how you’ll cope if your spouse doesn’t return.  These things happen.  Princes and Princesses die.  Whose contact info will be in your red file?  Who will be there to help calm the storm?  If you’re not sure, it’s time you made a little effort.  If not for you, for your spouse.  In the words of Denis Waitley, “Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised.”

RyanPonsford is the Founder and Principal of Akili Capital, a consulting firm to families seeking financial confidence and peace of mind.  In addition to maintaining client relationships, he is a sought after speaker, writer, and educator on subjects of wealth creation and the impact of wealth on family and communities.  Philanthropic efforts supported through www.MainStreetPhilanthropy.org. Comments can be sent to rponsford@akilicap.com.