Losing a Spouse Sucks

Suck of Reality #9 

The Loss of a Spouse

I’ll provide warning right out of the gate that this writing will not be enjoyable to read.  This may trigger thoughts and emotions that you’d rather not deal with.  However, what I’ll share here is reality.  There are some things about reality that really suck.  Losing a spouse is one of those things.  I'd like to think it won't happen, it never happens, my wife and I, along with those I know and love will never have to face this reality.  However, it's just not true.  Maybe because as I age I see more, or know more people, but I've witnessed this on multiple occasions just in the last few months.  Face reality for a few moments.  You may not have to deal with this for many years (or never), but someone will.  If not you, it will be your spouse.  If you're convinced that you'll both live forever, die together, or be raptured, someone you know will face this reality; perhaps you can help them... 

Do you remember the song from Snow White, “Some day my prince will come…”?  We often fantasize about being swept away by romance and love, Prince Charming, a beautiful Princess.  Why don’t we ever consider what could happen if our prince or princess goes down in the proverbial airplane?  Granted, it’s not a very pleasant thought, and I guess part of the point of fantasy is to escape the grim of reality, but let’s face it, we’re not immortal; even Prince Charming will die.  And while men are not immune from losing their spouse, probability favors wives’ survival at a rate of about 4 to 1.  In addition, although a generalization, wives, more so than husbands, tend to be financially unprepared for the loss of their spouse.  Most of us don’t like to talk about death, and we also don’t like to talk about money, which makes the circumstance significantly worse.  Did you know that being widowed ranks highest on the Stress Related Disease Scale?  Can you guess the second?  Divorce.  (Source: Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory)  The loss of a spouse is a major issue that most of us will face one way or another.  It’s neither politics nor religion, let’s discuss it. 

What would you do?

Your phone rings in the middle of the night.  The caller on the other end has the burden of letting you know that your spouse is gone.  How would you react?  What would you do?  Think about it…  Where would you begin?  Who would you call?  Is the mere notion overwhelming?  Here begins the tsunami of questions and emotions…

            The next few weeks – a blur of sleepless nights, emotional days, decisions you’re not sure how to make, and people all around trying to “help” but having no idea how to do so.  How will this be communicated to your children?  What affect will this have on their lives?  What about the minutiae that now seems so unimportant – is the cable bill due?  Does the lawn need to be mowed?  What will I do with all these deviled eggs people keep bringing (a story behind that one!)?  Funeral arrangements will be made, people will cross the country to vow their love and support, then, shortly thereafter, the procession will leave town and the world will be silent.  Everything will be different.  The life you were accustomed to will be forever different.  One ending, another beginning…

  

The Widow’s Roadmap

When the news becomes official that you’re about to face the world without your spouse at your side, having specific action items at your finger tips will provide a significant reduction of stress.  Merely knowing where to begin and who to call, a few simple starting steps will help keep you from becoming derailed.  There's a ton more to share, but here are four initial thoughts...

1. Locate Your Life Preservers

In most cases, by the end of that dreaded phone call and for days, weeks, maybe months afterward, you’re in a poor position to make significant decisions.  Your first flotation device should be one or two close family members or friends.  Invite them to stay with you, or at least be physically around for the next week or two.  They ought to be emotionally stable individuals with a take-charge mindset.  Their responsibility will be that of your gatekeeper and task implementer.  They will answer all phone calls, doorbells, questions, and inquiries on your behalf.  They will help with funeral arrangements, ensure your bills are being paid on time, and will listen to your thoughts and fears.  In this early phase, you’ll review the wishes of your loved one for funeral and burial arrangements, and find a quiet time and place to jot down your thoughts for an obituary. 

As the dust begins to settle and the procession begins leaving town, you’ll want to begin contacting your Professional Life Preservers.  This may include the attorney who drafted your wills, trusts, and estate plan, your tax professional, or your financial advisor.  Hopefully, among these is at least one with whom you have a high level of trust that can guide you through the upcoming decisions that will need to be made.  And perhaps more importantly, he or she ought to be able to help you prioritize which decisions do not yet need to be made. 

Who are your personal life preservers?  Do you have professional life preservers?  These aren’t easy to come by; these people are of a unique skill set in the time of crisis.   

2. Manage through the Tsunami

When I first mentioned the dreaded phone call, did you consider how that would make you feel?  Was it overwhelming?  One surviving spouse we worked with described the number of questions and the amount of unknown as a tidal wave followed by a flood.  She had no idea where to begin, what to ask, what to do, who to turn to, and felt as though she were drowning.  The only thought she could come up with was, “losing your spouse really sucks!”  You get the feeling she’s right about that one?  She desperately needed a flotation device. 

In taking control of all the questions and tasks that seem to be at hand, we’ve found that a basic list and organization can go a long way.  All of the questions and tasks can be divided into one of three categories.  Immediate – Soon – Later.  Most things can fall into the “Later” category, especially any major or irreversible decision.  Unbalanced emotional states are not good ones for decision making.  When possible, decisions should be postponed until they need to be made. 

3. Acknowledge the Silence in the Middle of the Ocean

            Coping with your loss really begins once the funeral procession leaves town.  Your new life and identity will begin to come forth, and it’s time for you to take some control over what that will be.  Again, sorting through your questions, fears, and the unknown will help provide guidance.  Write out all of your fears and concerns.  Will you be lonely?  Will people view you differently without your spouse?  Will you be able to handle the decisions on your own?  What about your kids – will they be okay?  Who will help sort through your legal and financial decisions? 

            Similar to before, it’s now time to sort the list.  Determine which items can be controlled, which need to be worked through, and which may not be in your control, but should be monitored to ensure you maintain proper perspective.  Identify the threats and obstacles you expect to face – deal with the biggest threats first.  Will you be short on cash flow with the loss of income?  Not sure how next months bills will be paid, or in many cases – not even sure what bills are due?  Overcoming these fears may again be helped with professional advisors.  Coming from a financial background, I tend to help remove financial questions, obstacles and fears.  However, for most who have lost a spouse, the natural fear and questions revolve around whether you will be alone for the rest of your life.  There is no shame in speaking with professional counselors and therapists about these challenges.  In fact, often the point of a professional is that they’ve already been down your path with others.  They know what lies ahead.  They know the roadblocks, obstacles, and hidden waterfalls.  Why not gain from their experience?    

4. Chart Your New Course

            

As was mentioned before, every end constitutes a new beginning.  Losing a spouse will change your life.  It will alter your trajectory.  It will affect who you are, how you act, how you view the world and relationships.  It’s an opportunity to repaint the cover on the puzzle box.  Reassemble the pieces, and determine your new purpose.  Ask yourself several questions – Values: What’s important to you about life?  Vision: Looking back, seven years from now, what will that picture look like?  Twenty years from now?  Goals: What will have to happen for you to achieve these visions? 

Now, assemble your trusted crew, raise your anchor, and venture from the harbor…

An Ounce of Prevention

            Some may be curious if there are steps that ought to be taken to better prepare for the loss of a spouse.  Of course there are!  There is much preparation that ought to be done from a more technical and legal perspective – know where income will come from, have an estate plan, have life insurance to provide immediate cash, have a buy-sell agreement in place for your business, and many many more!  I’ll share that the most painful losses seem to occur when a young spouse dies unexpectedly.  Please, oh please have some life insurance in place.  Term insurance is inexpensive; make sure you have enough that your spouse will be okay.  Having to stress about financial obligations is dreadful, unfair, and avoidable. 

Lastly, an entire book could be written on the importance of communicating your financial situation with your spouse (and many fine ones have).  Most relationships have a division of labor such that one person handles the finances.  If that person is gone tomorrow, the survivor is in a bind.  Who do we owe money to?  What sources of income will continue?  I’m pretty sure we have life insurance, but I have no idea who it’s with, how much it’s for, how to get it, or what to do with it once I have it.  What about the business?  Often the spouse that made the financial decisions also maintained the relationship with the advisors.  What if they’re not a good fit for the personality of the survivor?  Communicate with your spouse.  Ensure there is a roadmap in place if one of you receives that late night call.  Know what you’ll do next.  Know who you can trust to guide you through.  You may think this could never happen to you, and statistics confirm that it likely won’t.  However, if there’s something I’ve learned in life, statistics lie.  Probability is great on a large scale with countless iterations where only the average matters.  But if the individual matters, probability is out the window when you’re the one affected. 

One of the highest compliments I’ve ever received came from a client for whom I’ve really only done a minor amount of planning.  When I asked him why he continued to work with me, he responded that I was in his life because if anything ever happened to him, he knew that I had the wisdom, resources, and compassion to care for his family.  His family was given instruction that if anything happens to him, there’s a red file in his drawer.  Inside the file are a few instructions and my contact information.  Truth be told, it kinda freaked me out when he shared this.  It’s a pretty big responsibility.  But when I get that call, I’ll show up and manage through the crisis.  Evaluating what actions need to be taken, what resources are required, and ensuring the family remains connected.  There could be no greater use of my God given gifts.  There could be no greater honor than to serve a family in this capacity.  I don’t share this to imply my greatness; I’m sure there are others far more qualified for this role than I am.  However, you ought to have someone in your red file with the right skill-set, demeanor, and whom you implicitly trust. 

Don’t lay awake another night unsure about what would happen to your family if you don’t come home tomorrow.  Don’t lie awake wondering how you’ll cope if your spouse doesn’t return.  These things happen.  Princes and Princesses die.  Whose contact info will be in your red file?  Who will be there to help calm the storm?  If you’re not sure, it’s time you made a little effort.  If not for you, for your spouse.  In the words of Denis Waitley, “Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised.”

RyanPonsford is the Founder and Principal of Akili Capital, a consulting firm to families seeking financial confidence and peace of mind.  In addition to maintaining client relationships, he is a sought after speaker, writer, and educator on subjects of wealth creation and the impact of wealth on family and communities.  Philanthropic efforts supported through www.MainStreetPhilanthropy.org. Comments can be sent to rponsford@akilicap.com.

17 things you ought to know about your finances

17-Things You Need to Know About the

Financial Industry and Your Wealth

After nearly 20-years of providing financial guidance to families, I've picked up a few things along the way.  While each of these comes with extensive stories and experiences, for now I'll just share the bullets.  Perhaps one day I'll elaborate; in the meantime, ask questions if you have them... 

1. Financial Institutions manufacture products.  Financial Advisors are the distribution channel for these products.

2. A diversified portfolio is intended to protect your future purchasing power, not accumulate vast amounts of wealth.  Most wealth is accumulated through monetizing a business, real estate, or inheritance. 

3. During your Accumulation years, your ability to earn income is your most valuable assets.  Protect it.

4. During Distribution years, your assets are your ticket to reliable income.  Protect them. 

5. Losing a spouse really sucks; own plenty of life insurance. 

6. You can transfer nearly any risk if you’re willing to pay the premium.

7. Statistics and iterations of possible outcomes work well if you’re predicting for a million people.  Unfortunately, your single instance is the only one that will matter.    

8. Most Financial Advisors medicate symptoms.  Good ones diagnose the cause.  Don’t confuse the drug dealers with the physicians. 

9. Taxes matter.  Understand the basics of the system and how it works.  (Or doesn’t)

10. You have rights to things, but own nothing.  You are only responsible for the temporary management of stuff. 

11. Always seek a balance of flexibility and certainty.

12.  Debt stinks and limits your flexibility when opportunities arise to do what you should be doing.

13. Having a financial plan is not a destination or achievement.  Having a financial direction and system for decision making is. 

14. Transferring assets is easy science.  Transferring values, roles and responsibilities, and positioning your family to get along, is masterful art.

15. Losing your spouse or parent and having to pick up the pieces sucks.  Not knowing where to look for the pieces, or if there are any pieces is much much worse.   

16. Neither you nor your financial advisor can predict the future. 

17. When considering who will oversee your affairs when you’re gone or unable, consider the person with the best peace-making skills as opposed to the one with the most financial acumen.  

I could add many many more; hope these are helpful or inspire a little thought!  

Cheers ~ RyP

Gluttony or Gratitude?

When holidays rolls around, I always fear that each year we move farther from the true purpose of the day, replacing it with more self-oriented indulgences.  I suppose it’s human nature to make things revolve around ourselves, but embedded in each of these holidays are wonderful teaching moments for our families, our communities, and especially our children. 

One of the major risks I see in Thanksgiving is that it becomes more about the food than it does the purpose.  Food is wonderful; we need food.  Food is a great source of comfort and conversation.  It’s also one of the great distractors from dealing with real issues.  We use food to make us feel better.  We congregate around the kitchen where the food is being prepared and we talk about haw tasty it is.  There’s nothing wrong with this.  There’s nothing wrong with taking a single day of the year to prepare a feast in which we celebrate our many blessings.  We have all been incredibly blessed to living in America, a country overflowing with milk and honey.  Let’s not make is about the milk and honey, let’s make it about the blessing. 

From the time we are kids, we are taught to say “thank you.”  Why is this?  Why is saying please and thank you part of what we consider to be a reflection of good manners?  Who invented manners anyway?  In doing a little research, I found myself down a rabbit hole of discovery around manners verses etiquette.  What I concluded was that etiquette is an outward, learned language that was put in place for us to all get along better (and perhaps to separate the nobles from the hoi polloi back in the 1600s).  Manners, while also learned, are more of a reflection of inner self.  Saying “thank you” is a reflection of your genuine gratitude for having received something.  Teaching your kids to say “thank you” is a seed planted to instill them with a heart of gratitude. 

What is gratitude?  Simplified, gratitude is an appreciation for having received something unexpected or undeserved.  From the Latin word gratia, we also get the word grace, which means an unearned gift.  In my peanut-sized brain, I’ve come to believe three important things about Gratitude.  Gratitude is essential to a fulfilling life, gratitude is voluntary, and gratitude can change our society, our culture; our people. 

Since the birth of mankind, since we began to ask questions, since philosophies and religions have been developed, gratitude has been intertwined.  From ancient writings, to current empirical studies, there is irrefutable evidence that being grateful leads to better health, happiness, spiritual well-being, and even financial well-being.  Since it’s based on an expression of an unearned gift, there’s a humility that comes with gratitude.  Who doesn’t want better health, happiness, and overall well-being?  So if there’s clear evidence as to the benefits of gratitude, what’s keeps us from being grateful? 

For some reason, it seems to me that our society and culture is constantly reminding us that we deserve more.  We’re constantly being reminded of our individual greatness and abilities.  I don’t know about each of you, but I’m a pretty flawed individual.  I make stupid decisions, say the wrong things, don’t exercise enough, take selfish action, and have all sorts of traits that could use vast improvement.  And in spite of my many many flaws, I live a wonderfully blessed life.  I have three healthy children, live in arguably one of the nicest places on earth, have an incredible wife, was raised in a fantastic family, none of which I’ve earned or deserved.  If we feel we deserve everything we’ve been given, where is the place for gratitude?  When will we reflect on and appreciate the grace we’ve been shown?  With the promotion of self-orientation and personal greatness, I fear that gratitude is being shoved aside.  Please don’t let this happen in your life, or in the lives of those around you.  There are too many benefits to gratitude that you don’t want to miss. 

When we get our families, our communities, our country, and our society to begin to express gratitude, we have the power to create the type of world we want for our kids and grandkids.  With gratitude comes generosity, humility, compassion, and selflessness.  Can you argue that these are bad things?  Don’t you think a culture that embodies these characteristics is one in which we will all be happier, healthier, and more spiritually fulfilled?  This all starts with gratitude.  Consider this when teaching your kids to say thank you; you are planting the seed of gratitude. 

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays.  For me, I was incredibly blessed to be born into a wonderful family.  We’re far from perfect; we each have our defects, but we genuinely love each other without conditions.  For us, Thanksgiving has been a day that we all get to be together, break bread, talk, sing songs, then fall asleep on the floor all over the house.  I did nothing to deserve being born into this family, it was a gift for which I’ll be eternally grateful.

Today, on Thanksgiving, let’s change the perspective a bit.  Rather than getting out the laundry list of things we’re thankful for, let’s think of what we’re grateful for.  What are the gifts you’ve been given that you didn’t necessarily deserve?  Did you deserve your family?  Your kids?  Your health or wealth?  Do you think these are the result of your coolness?  The list might be similar, but the perspective is different.  

For those of us with a Christ-centered perspective, do we deserve the ultimate gift, the gift of salvation, to get into Heaven, to have life in eternity?  Are we blameless and without sin?  I’m not.  But you and I have both been given a gift.  We were given the gift that someone else was blameless, without sin, and was qualified to get into Heaven.  And He took the blame for us.  We are guilty as accused, but He offered to take the punishment, the capital punishment, that we might be set free.  The fact is that He already did this.  It’s done.  He paid your debt.  All you have to do is say “thank you.”  All you have to do is be grateful. 

May this Thanksgiving, and the year to come, be a wonderful blessing to you and your family!  I’m grateful you took the time you view this snapshot into my mind! 

In the wise words of Grandma O, 

"Gobble Gobble!" 

Just what is Philanthropy?

Bring Philanthropy to Main Street!

What comes to mind when you hear the word “philanthropy?”  Money?  Names on buildings?  Tax and legal strategies for the wealthy?  For most of us, philanthropy is an ivy-league term that connotes something reserved for the Park Avenue crowd, not the majority of us living a few blocks off Main Street.  However, the reality is that philanthropy has nothing to do with money or wealth.  Nothing to do with writing large checks.  And what’s more?  Each of us and our families can benefit from a little taste of philanthropic activity.  For now, let’s just look at some of the origin of the concept…

Starting with just the word “philanthropy,” it comes from the Greek words, “philein” and “anthropos.”  For the Greek scholars out there, you’ll know that these two words basically translate to “love for humankind.”  The widely accepted theory for the origin of the word, is that it comes from the ancient Greek playwright, Aeschylus, in depicting the Titan Prometheus’ “philanthropos tropos,” or “humanity-loving character.”  If you recall, Greek mythology tells of Zeus’ decision to destroy humans as they had no knowledge, skills, or culture of any sort.  Prometheus, apparently being a humanity-loving gent, decided to give them two empowering gifts – fire and optimism (or blind hope).  With fire, humans could be optimistic, and with optimism, they would use the fire for the benefit of their race.  From there was born philanthropia, or loving what it is to be human.  (Oddly, the main thing I remember from my studies of Greek mythology, was that Prometheus was punished by being chained to a rock where vultures would come every day and eat out his liver.  Because he was a Titan, it would grow back that night, and he’d endure the same the next day.  Nice…)

As you’ll notice, there wasn’t a mention of “giving money away,” “tax strategies for the rich,” a suggestion of “your name on a building;” or anything of the sort.  Philanthropy in its root form is doing well for others because you genuinely care.  It’s making an effort for the well-being of the human race.  This could be about supporting a charitable organization that is doing good things, it could be about giving a Cliff Bar to someone on the street, or it could be merely holding open the door for someone on the way into a building.  So, the bottom line here is that we can all be philanthropists. 

However, there is more to the message.  There’s more because you ought to understand both why and how you should become philanthropic. 

I’ll jump out on a limb here and make the assumption that most of us have given something to someone in our lives.  I’ll also make the bold suggestion that you may have even enjoyed it.  Well, as you might guess, there have been studies done linking giving and generosity to good health – mental, emotional, and spiritual.  In a future article, I’ll share those with you; the outcomes are telling. 

So, giving is good for you; most of us know that already.  Here’s the real question that I get from individuals, couples, and families.  How do I best give?  More than ever, folks are becoming more concerned with maximizing the actual impact of their gifts.  Our dollars are finite.  If we want to truly participate in addressing a societal problem, where are our dollars best allocated?  Which organizations will be the best stewards of our funds?  How do we maximize the impact of giving for our family? 

In my mind there are two answers to these questions.  One addresses increasing the odds that you are choosing to fund organizations that have the highest likelihood of solving the core problem you wish to solve.  To some extent, this is an investment equation.  How will you get the maximum return on investment, when return is quantified by success in solving a social problem?  The other, is how might you and your family go through the process of selecting an organization so as to maximize the benefits to your family?  This second question is the one that I find more valuable and most often missed.  Coming up, I’ll answer both for you – how to vet and select quality organizations, and how to maximize the impact to your family.  In the meantime, do something nice for someone; see if it improves your day!   

Cheers! - RyP

Getting in the Zone

Attracting and retaining moments of clarity

            I live in a confusing, occasionally conflicted, and often unpredictable brain.  I have moments of extreme clarity, purity, understanding and inspiration; as well as periods of confusion, doubt, muddiness, and uncertainty. 

There is something that I like in life, and because I like it so much, I’d like more of it.  (To my gutter dwelling friends, no, it’s not that!)

Some of my favorite moments are those when I feel I have absolute clarity, sense of purpose, brilliant (if I can be so arrogant) recognition.  It’s seeing not just how to fix the problem, but the revolutionary endowment of the solution.  I truly thrive on these moments of clarity, and would like to have them more often! 

Most problems and challenges have a solution or outcome that will "work" to fix the problem.  But many have a bigger picture solution that doesn’t just cure the ailment, but eradicates the disease.  These are the solutions we seek.  These are the ones that require the deepest understanding of not just the problem, but the potential consequences or at least implications of the proposed solution.  It’s easy to add air to a leaky tire.  It’s a bit more work to repair or replace the tire.  It would be revolutionary to install magnets on the sides of the roads that would remove all the nails.  (Ha ha!) 

            Genuine problem solving requires us to seek deep understanding.  It requires us to obtain absolute clarity.  Living in a muddied brain, it’s difficult to maintain the purity of thought to consistently deliver this level of intellectual capacity.  However, living in a balanced, rested, active, brain, these moments seem to come more often.  

What can we do to find ourselves in clarity?  

How can we get ourselves into the zone?  

How might we endow the solutions to the many problems we face? 

What works for you?

Want to make a positive, long-lasting impact?  

Figure out your formula, and let’s get ourselves into the zone!

Don't let the libraries burn!

With another school year behind us and summer well underway, these are often the months we get to spend with our friends and family members.  With that, I thought I’d share a few thoughts.  As usual, this past year seemed to pass more quickly than the last – which always seems to be the case.  (I actually wrote about this in a previous post - I I knew how to link it here, I would.)  While much of my writing is focused on economic, financial, or philanthropic updates; this one will not.  In fact, I’ll share with you now that this article may be more of a self-serving recap of my own life and lessons learned than most of you will care to hear, so don’t be ashamed to crumple it up and toss it now; there will be no quiz.

            A very dear friend and colleague, Scott Farnsworth, shared in his book an analogy and a proverb that I’d like to pass along...  

For several centuries, the library in Alexandria, Egypt was the crowned jewel of the Western intellectual world.  At its height, it is estimated that it stored over 700,000 scrolls containing vast knowledge and achievements including translations of the Bible from Hebrew to Greek, the calculation of the shape and size of the earth, the creation of geometry, and important advances in anatomy and science.  The library stood for 300 years until a fire destroyed much of it during Julius Caesar’s conquest in 48 B.C.  Additional branches were destroyed during the campaign of Aurelius in 272 A.D., as well as in 391 A.D. when the bishop of Alexandria had it burned to the ground.  It is staggering to consider the loss of insights, knowledge, and wisdom that may have been lost forever in the burning of this library.  As tragic as this loss may have been, similar losses are occurring every day when any one of us, young or old, dies without sharing our accumulated wisdom, values, and stories.
 

“When an old person dies, it’s like a library burning down.”

-Middle Eastern Proverb

Three years ago, three very extensive libraries in my life burnt to the ground, a fourth just a year prior.  While some volumes of information have been saved, surely much more has been lost.  With this came many cherished moments that I’ll treasure, as well as several regrets that I’ll carry for the remainder of my life.  That I’m sharing the stories of the passing of all four of my grandparents within an 18 month period is not for pity, but rather to inspire you to cherish your own family and every moment you’ll have with them.

G'ma P with Maddox

My paternal grandmother (“Grandma Ponsford”) upgraded in September of 2008; she was 87.  Grandma Ponsford spent the majority of her life as a preacher’s wife; and fit the mold perfectly - a wonderful cook and entertainer, behind the scene implementer, event coordinator and relationship builder.  She remembered all birthdays, anniversaries, names, and while somewhat strict and disciplined, was never cross (at least not to her perfect grandchildren).  Her health had been slipping and became clear that at 90, Grandpa’s ability to care for and cover for her was declining.  My Dad and his two sisters were looking for a place that would be able to accommodate her needs. 

On a warm San Diego day in early September, after looking at potential places with her two daughters, Grandma expressed that she really didn’t want to move.  She felt she would be fine and wanted to prove to them that she and Grandpa could continue on their own.  The next morning, she woke up, got done up for the day, put on a favorite outfit, and suggested they go out and do some shopping.  They would see just how well she would do…  After a couple hours, she was spent.  Arriving at home, she told her daughters that now she understood.  She was not in good enough health to continue without care.  That night, they cried together, told stories, and she began her good-byes.  Grandma Ponsford never woke up. 

G'pa P at our wedding

As one would expect after nearly 70-years of marriage, we were all very concerned about Grandpa.  At 90, he was still driving (yikes!), active with his church group (the “Fantastics”), but clearly dependent on Grandma.  We weren’t sure how long he’d be able to carry on.  Since they lived in San Diego, I was extremely fortunate to be able to begin spending more time with Grandpa.  We made it a point to meet weekly for an early breakfast.  Here we discussed all sorts of topics – some meaningless, some insightful.  He told me about his days on the farm, experiences in the ministry, friends he and Grandma had made, and lives they had impacted.  He often shared his worldly wisdom; most relating to the importance of relationships and how to treat people.  One bit of wisdom, however, did catch me a bit off-guard: “Ryan, one thing you must know about getting old.”  “What’s that Grandpa?”  “You can’t trust your farts.”  Ewww…  (Sorry!)  Grandpa talked about all the old people (most 10-20 years younger than him) complaining about their ailments, slouching over, and forgetting the good parts about life.  He made it a point to stand tall and share something positive and reinforcing to someone every day.  He admitted some were more challenging than others, but stuck to the task.  Over time, the conversations became more and more about missing Grandma, and wondering why God wouldn’t just take him to her.  He told me he prayed for that nearly every night.  He wasn’t sure of his purpose here.  In hindsight, although I’m sure he had no idea of the impact he would make, perhaps his purpose was those breakfasts with me, perhaps lunches with someone else, but I know our time spent will always be a cherished time in my life.      

When Grandpa flew to visit his three kids, I got to take him to the airport and escort him to the gate.  (Times had changed a bit since he was accustomed to flying.)  In January of 2010, I took him to the airport when he went to see his daughter (Aunt Pat) in Idaho.  Having recently lost the freedom of his car, and with signs indicating he would soon be beyond the level of care he could receive at his current location, being in the more constant care of Aunt Pat seemed like the best decision.  On the trip to the airport, and as we waited in the terminal, we spoke about our family, about the value of the time we’d been able to spend together, and that while the world had changed around him, the premise and purpose had not.  He was about to turn 92, and he felt like this was a pretty good number.  Sharp as ever, but ready to move on, Grandpa left to join Grandma in February, less than two weeks after arriving in Idaho.  

            Many have heard the stories about my maternal grandparents, Ralph and Dotty Olson.  They were the song-singing, story-telling, dream-creating owners of Akili the elephant.  My brothers, cousins, and even several childhood friends spent summers at their place in Etna, CA bailing hay, scooping elephant droppings (more like mountains), laying railroad tracks, performing for the town, working in their restaurant, hiking Etna Creek, and whatever else they could come up with to keep us occupied.  In 2008, Jen and I were very fortunate to have Grandma and Grandpa O come and stay with us from Thanksgiving until Christmas.  What a hoot to spend each evening hearing stories, playing cards and interacting with wonderful grandparents.  For Grandpa, his final few years had become very difficult.  He began to suffer from a form of depression and anxiety that was difficult for him to escape.  Always a big (really big!) project builder, I think much was related to his frustration over his physical body’s no longer being able to keep up with his mind and plans. 

G'ma & G'pa O

Shortly after their stay at our house, I began to come to grips with the fact that they wouldn’t be here forever.  I needed a way to capture as much of them as possible.  I talked to Grandpa Ralph about a way to document his stories, sayings, memories, songs, and all else he loved sharing with us.  As a former professor of linguistics, his preferred method was to write.  We began a project called “Letters from Grandpa.”  I mailed him an initial series of questions to get him thinking; then he would respond in a letter.  He created a plan to send it to all the grandkids along with a quiz question and prizes for those who would respond.  Unfortunately, we only got through two letters before his health began to decline and he no longer felt up to the task.  In February of 2010 (when Grandpa Ponsford passed), all three of my brothers and I would be in the same place for the memorial service in San Diego.  Since Grandpa Ralph hadn’t been doing too well, we thought we would try to figure a way to all get to see him at the same time.  As “luck” would have it, my brother (a pilot) was asked to fly a client down to San Diego that same weekend.  He would be empty on the way back north, so the four of us (as well as my Dad) could fly up with him and drive from there to see Grandpa Ralph. 

G'pa O, WWII

This chance to visit with him turned out to be very meaningful.  Although he was pretty out of it the first day, the second day we were there he snapped into his old self.  We sang songs – camp songs and countless hymns, told stories, and reminisced about all the wonderful adventures we’d had.  We all loaded into the car and took a drive through the valley where he shared more stories about the changes over the years.  While we had a wonderful time of bonding and sharing with each other, there was a looming sadness about the realty of the situation.  This could very well be our final time together in this world.  There was so much more to capture, to download, to preserve.  About a month later, two days after the birth of our daughter, and a week before his 89th birthday, Grandpa Ralph said goodbye with my uncle at his side.  The family returned to Etna where we celebrated his life through story and song. 

With three of my four grandparents gone, only Grandma Dotty remained.  Far tougher than nails, she was sure to have many good years left to enjoy with us.  In May of that same year (2010), she made it to Southern California to watch my cousin (her granddaughter) on a tour stop of their dance program.  She also made it to San Diego for the concert with our quartet.  We planned a family event for the 4^th of July in Etna, a holiday that was always celebrated in our family; a time to honor our military (Grandpa was WWII vet), celebrate our freedom, and spend time as a family.  (It was also the day we celebrated Akili’s birthday.)  As July approached, we were getting word from those around Grandma that she didn’t seem to be feeling well.  She was always very resistant to see a doctor, but had actually gone several times in the past couple weeks.  Although she refused many of the exams and tests, they were clearly concerned.  This wasn’t good at all.  Grandma had written a book about her adventures in owning Akili, her elephant.  I had offered to edit, format and take it through publishing.  (I had no idea what this entailed.)  I had started the process, but was far from complete with the editing of a 200 page book written in her style. 

Me with G'ma O

As we made our way north for the 4^th, we were getting constant updates and things seemed much worse than we had anticipated.  All of the family arrived into Etna on the 2^nd and surrounded her on July 3^rd.  She spent time with each of us, ensuring she knew exactly who was there.  I had pulled together a version of her book.  Not published, but in somewhat of a final form.  As she would want, our entire family gathered with her that afternoon and sang hymns, laughed and cried together.  We weren’t sure she’d make it though the day.  At the time, we also weren’t aware of what she’d written on the inside of her Bible on July 4^th, 2001:

“July 4^th, Independence Day: Independence from Life unto Death –

When my life here is ended and I slip into the Great Beyond,

Still left behind will be Dear Family and Friends who are not yet ready to come along,

My desire is that no one will weep,

As I close my eyes for the final sleep, 

I’ve soared away to my Heavenly Father – Loved ones and friends awaiting me there,

I too shall have no worry or care;

I’ll be waiting for you in this beautiful place – somewhere! 

Please have a service – just in happy memories we’ve shared. 

Celebrate – Celebrate – don’t carry burdens too heavy to bear

Have songs of Redemption and Love, like Glorious Freedom, This World is not my Home, Leaning on the Everlasting Arms, Jesus Loves Me;

Good scriptures, like Psalms 64:8, 2 Timothy 4:7-8, Isaiah 43:18-19;

Sing another song!

Throw my ashes into the wind, Sing, Smile, Laugh, and be Happy!”

–        Dorothy Helen Schroeder Olson

We also found out later that she had told a close friend earlier in the year that she thought she’d go out on the 4^th of July.  That was always a favorite holiday and there would be plenty of fireworks to celebrate.  The morning of the 4^th, Grandma Dotty passed to join all the others (including four of her five children and elephant). 

            While we lost nearly an entire generation that year, the moments we were able to spend with each of them were well beyond priceless.  My breakfasts with Grandpa Ponsford, letters from Grandpa O, and working through a book with Grandma Dotty – each among the cherished moments of 2010.  Going forward, my mission will include being intentional about capturing and saving more of these stories and lessons for our family as will as being a resource for others to do the same. 

            Many of us list “family” as one of the most important things in life.  Let’s make it a point to pay special attention to listening to those that have vast volumes of information stored in their mental libraries.  It’s easy to get bogged down in work, life, materials, and all the other hoopla.  Let’s focus on re-reading some of those stories that our family has stored.  Don’t let your libraries burn down.  You never know, there may be additional chapters you’ve missed in the past! 

Cheers,

RyP

Are your Advisors wise?

"We are in interesting times…” 

While this may sound like the understatement of the decade (or perhaps the past 5 decades), I think it’s fair to say that our current economic situation has opened our eyes to new standards that have not been considered in many years.  New standards for risk, but also new standards for opportunity.  In opportunistic times, one must be keen in observation, careful in contemplation, and decisive in action.  Navigating this economy requires a new level of understanding and adaptation, one in which you and your colleagues must be able to apply tremendous thought and wisdom to your decision making.  Those with whom we align during these times will have tremendous impact on the success or failure of our selected course. 

Over the years, I’ve gotten to know many professional advisors in many fields.  While the breadth and depth of their skill sets may vary, most advisors boast of some level of knowledge that sets them apart from their counterparts or competition.  Knowledge.  Knowledge is handy.  Often times it’s knowledge that helps us acquire wealth.  However, I’ve come to realize that there should be a much higher premium placed on wisdom.  If knowledge participates in wealth creation, it’s wisdom that provides wealth retention.  Are your advisors wise? 

Keen observation, careful contemplation, continuous consideration, and intentional decisions are all qualities that I would equate with wisdom.  The rules of knowledge – statistics, historical returns, theorems and hypotheses are all effective when you operate within the bell curve or normalcy.  But what happens when occurrences are outliers?  What happens when you’re facing economic realities that haven’t been dealt with during your lifetime, if ever at all?  Currently, we are not inside the bell curve.  The standard deviation figures (a perceived measurement of risk) that your investment guy has been telling you about do not apply to this situation.  Without the accepted rules, knowledge will fail.  Wisdom is not defined by rules.  Wisdom is defined by observation, contemplation, and discernment in action. 

Nearly half a century ago, John F Kennedy envisioned “a great future in which our country will match its wealth with our wisdom.”  I’m not sure our country is there yet, but that does not mean you cannot be.  Surround yourself with wisdom.  There are many opportunities in this environment.  Observe what’s going on around you.  Contemplate the consequences and benefits if all that’s taking place.  And be decisive, be wise, in your actions.